Who Knew Bigfoot Was A Hillbilly.

J.D. Vance interrupted your regularly scheduled democracy crisis to announce his measurements. Usha Vance's expression said everything.

In a town where politicians are constantly stepping in it, J.D. Vance has found a new way to put his foot in his mouth — by bragging about how big it is.

At a Christmas party Friday night, the vice president regaled guests with a tale so excruciatingly adolescent, so painfully try-hard, that it made us long for the days when political scandals involved actual penises instead of penis proxies.

Picture it: The Oval Office. The president of the United States. The secretary of state. A conversation about something “really, really important” — Vance’s words, not mine, though given this crew’s track record, “really important” could mean anything from nuclear codes to ketchup placement.

But then — hold everything! — Donald Trump spots a crisis that simply cannot wait. Not a geopolitical emergency. Not a domestic catastrophe.

Nope.

Shoes.

“Marco, JD,” the leader of the free world apparently declared, peering over the Resolute Desk like a disappointed DSW manager, “you guys have shitty shoes.”